It is What it Is... or is it?
Active acceptance of any situation or circumstance is an admirable approach, but what is it we're actually accepting?
“It is what it is…”
Most of us have heard this said many times in our lives, usually when something undesirable or difficult has just occurred and cannot readily be changed. It’s an idiom. A phrase easily tossed in casually. Seems trite.
Delve deeper into what it takes to accept that something is what it is and you’ll find a much deeper path to follow to get yourself to a more reassuring place from which to take further action.
St. Francis Was Right
St. Francis of Assisi famously counselled us…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The first challenge his prayer presents is finding the “serenity.” When something has gone wrong, especially something that impacts us personally, the hardest thing to find is serenity. Quite the opposite, it is easy to become quite agitated. Frustrated, angry, bitter, disappointed, and many other feelings may occur, all of them quite negative.
And all of them pointless and useless.
As strongly and as negatively as we may reflexively react to bad news, nothing we feel or say or do will change the situation. By the phrasing, we are talking about something we cannot change. Emotions expressing our desire to change the unchangeable are, by definition, doomed to be ineffective. The only effect they will have is to make us feel badly. And what’s the point of that?
Perhaps the key to a more effective strategy starts with the last line of St. Francis’ prayer… the wisdom to know the difference.
Imagine for a moment finding yourself in that awful situation. You’ve just received bad news. Something has occurred that you find terrible. It is clear there is nothing you can do about it. What do you do next?
Consider first summoning your own personal wisdom.
You cannot change what has happened. However, you may have opportunity to comfort those impacted by the bad news. Perhaps you can help them withstand that impact by providing support, both tangible and intangible. When someone dies, others convey their condolences to the family of the departed. In some cultures, friends, neighbors, and family members bring food for sustenance during the period of mourning.
Immobilized by anger, none of this would be possible.
Mobilized by your wisdom and acceptance, you have the opportunity to truly serve others. This is the most powerful way of turning a negative situation into at least a productive response, though you may not perceive it as positive.
Personal note: With all the empty responses of “thoughts and prayers” that politicians seem to resort to in the wake of a multi-casualty shooting event, many have become cynical about saying things like “please accept our sincerest condolences.” The more you claim it to be sincere, the less sincere it may appear.
At times like this remember that not everyone is a fluent writer. Whatever you decide to say in spoken words or writing, just be sure its what you really feel. That it comes from the heart. One of the most critical elements of any support is the sincerity with which it is offered.
Is it Really What it Is?
In my work teaching professionals to promote their services, I often advise people to remember that it is not what it is, it’s what it does. What I’m emphasizing is that their clients don’t much care about the equipment or tools involved in doing a thing. They’re actually not even interested in how it is done. What they are seeking is the value they receive when what you’re doing for them does what it does. It’s not what it is, it’s what it does!
The same is true in interpersonal relationships. What you use and how you use it is hardly relevant to others, but what you do for them is everything. As Maya Angelou famously told us, “…people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Which brings us back to the ever-popular “grand scheme of things” that keeps popping up. When someone tells you, “it is what it is” they are correct! They’re right! Whatever it is, that’s what it is. But that’s not the real question, is it.
The real questions are “what does this mean to me? “What does this mean to others around me?” “What are the lasting consequences of this, if any?” “Why does this matter to me or anyone else?” and “What can I do in the wake of this that will be constructive or productive for anyone?”
As you think about these questions, you realize that you begin to find your way back away from your anger and frustration and toward more of a place of calm contemplation. You feel more balanced. That churn in your gut subsides.
Try This…
The next time you find yourself confronted with someone who has just encountered calamity, consider extending what you say to them Try something like…
“It is what it is. Now, what can I do to help you?”