What Do You Want?.... from your children

However old your children are, they will always be your children. You will always want certain things from them, and certain things for them.

Those who know how ambitious I have been throughout my life may be surprised to hear that my first and foremost answer to this question is that I want, and have always wanted, for my children to exceed me.

Not only did I always want them to have more than I did, and be happier than I was, but I really wanted to see them achieve more than I have achieved.

And both of my children have.

The Two Descendencies

Many have referred to our children as our bridge to the eternal, the continuation of our lives after we’re gone. While that once struck me as a lovely fairy tale, I have come to appreciate it in more concrete terms.

First, there’s the reality that our DNA carries our uniqueness forward in our children and their children in their helix code. Many of us have learned of ancestors through the science of DNA analysis, and in years to come our descendants will have even more data to work with to learn more about those who came before them. So, in a scientifically provable way, our children, our descendants, really are our continuation into the future.

But there’s also a second way in which we pass ourselves along to those who will follow us.

When I was teaching, my students presented me with a lovely plaque at the end of the school year. The inscription said, “A teacher affects eternity… they never know where their influence stops…”

Taking this a little further, I’ve come to realize that some people impact others for generations to come with the information, the words, the writing they leave behind. We think about the great thinkers, like Plato or Aristotle. It’s at best difficult to imagine them as people who actually lived lives. We identify far better with their thoughts as expressed in their words. Thousands of other people who lived before us have left us words to learn from, and thoughts to live by.

I believe every writer hopes to be, in some measure, one of those.

Parenting: Putting Knowledge to Work

Each of us enters into the challenge of parenting equipped to a different degree. Some of us are blessed to have parents and other loved ones who can effectively coach them to be extraordinary parents. Some of us are saddled with parents who, themselves, had no clue and had no wisdom to pass along.

Nothing says that we will capably figure it out. When our children are born, we come into a new role informed only by our own attitudes, our dreams, and whatever resources we can muster.

Some of us do everything we can do to raise our children as well as we possibly can. This is not a simple process. Everything is a balance. Do we give them everything and risk spoiling them, or do we make them work for everything, perhaps making them bitter and envious. Are we lenient with them, or strict? Are we demanding of them in their academics and other competitive pursuits? Or do we live them to find their own level of performance?

Is what we share them as wisdom really as wise as we hope it is? Or are we kidding ourselves? Are we helping them? Or hindering? Are we making them happy? Or driving them mad?

Are we helping them achieve self-actualization and becoming their best selves? Or are we confusing and confounding them?

These are just a few of the questions that perplex every parent. There’s nothing easy about it and no guarantee we’ll “do it right?” And there are no do-overs.

Values

When writing about our business lives I often talk about the role of value. Ultimately, we strive to provide as much value as we can to those who will compensate us for doing so. It’s not about bigger, better, faster, or prettier. It’s about delivering more value.

Similarly, the most valuable things we provide to our children are good values. Being honest and direct with people. Refusing to cheat or lie. Living a life of true service to others and doing our utmost to take care of others. Being truly compassionate and empathetic, and practicing generosity wherever and whenever possible.

And striving to achieve as much personal satisfaction and happiness as possible.

I’ve often said that the best a parent can hope for is that their children emerge into adulthood armed with really good values. This belief is based in a deeper belief that good values will result in the best possible outcomes for our children and everyone they encounter.

What Do We Want from our Children?

Appreciation.

While we’re raising them, many of us will make significant sacrifices. We will spend less on ourselves, so we have more for them. We will stay in painful jobs way too long if it will help us enable them with the education of their dreams. Many work long hours at multiple jobs compromising our health and wellbeing to help them reach their goals.

Here’s the thing…

Much of what we do, especially what we sacrifice, will not be readily visible to our children. In some cases, they may come to realize what we did as they reach more advanced age, perhaps after we’re gone. They will become as absorbed in raising their children as we ever were in raising them. They may neglect to show their appreciation for all the sacrifices.

This is especially true depending on the decisions we make in how we raise them. If we choose to be demanding and constantly challenge them to be better, they may grow to resent the pressure even as the conditioning enables them to achieve meteoric heights of success. They may only see the pressure and the demands without realizing the motivation behind it. They may remain oblivious to the sacrifices even as they are making similar ones themselves.

The Present vs. the Past

Some people grow up very appreciative of what their parents have done for them, and to show it they lavish them with attention, constant contact, various kinds of support, and other gifts both tangible and emotional.

Other people become so consumed with the people who are currently in their lives that they may forget those who helped launch them. Not only their parents, but others who made decisions and took actions that were turning points along the way. Turning points that led to the path to success they now enjoy.

The wise parent remains in the present moment and appreciates seeing their child exceed them and enjoy the success they’ve achieved. They step away from the need or desire to see their child appreciate their contributions and satisfy themselves that their child is enjoying their life, which was their primary objective in the first place.

May you be blessed with successful, happy children, however you define those things.