What Do You Want… in a Mentor?
Our ability to improve the quality of our lives is enhanced by the relationships we build along the way. One pivotal relationship to find is a mentor. How do you know when you’ve found one?
“What an odd man,” I thought the first time I saw him. I was seated high up in a lecture hall that held 350 students, high up enough that I was hoping for a much-needed nap.
The door in the front of the room opened and in walked our professor. He walked to the middle of the room silently as the lights dimmed and the name of the class and his name lit up on the big screen behind him. “Very theatrical,” I thought. I was intrigued.
I remained intrigued until I received my first paper back from him unmarked. When class ended, I immediately ran down the steps to confront him.
“Why didn’t you grade my paper?” I asked. “There’s no mark on it other than some redlining.”
Calmly, he looked at me and said, in his odd voice, “Well, you didn’t seem to think this paper was important enough to take the time and effort to prepare it well, so I didn’t think it was worth the time and effort to grade.”
“I haven’t slept for two days,” I replied, incredulously. “I had to have a friend come over and sleep in my bed so I wouldn’t be tempted to get into it. Are you serious??”
At this point, he took the paper from my hand, looked at it, and then showed it to me, pointing at his first few redlinings. “How do you explain these?” he asked.
Looking at the paper, I found myself confused. Looking for a moment at his editorial marks all I saw were a few characters circled here and there. Not even entire words.
“What’s the problem?” I finally asked. “What’s wrong?” I really wasn’t prepared for his response.
He drew a deep breath and said, “Typos.”
I probably should have mentioned at the outset that this was still in the age of typewriters.
It took me a moment to regain my composure at which point I repeated his statement back to him. “Typos?” I asked. “You wouldn’t grade my paper because it had typos?? Are you kidding??”
He then said something that changed my life.
Smiling, the diminutive professor said to me, “The quality of your work is the best reflection of the quality of you. Do you want to be known as a typo?”
He handed the paper back to me and I stood there slack-jawed while he walked past me and exited the room through the same door through which he had entered.
He Taught Me to Think
In that moment, with that one statement, he had taught me to think. Not how to think. That would come later. But he had just taught me to switch my dormant brain on and care about how I put it to use. Prior to that, I now think I wasn’t much more than a mass of senses and nerve endings seeking stimulation. I found myself embarrassed, and humbled.
Today, 50 years later, that professor is still my greatest mentor and is still teaching me regularly.
An Objective Outsider Gets Inside
Throughout my life, this professor who called me a typo has encouraged and nurtured me to be anything but. He continues to constantly challenge to think more deeply into the many things we discuss regularly. I began writing this very series thanks to him asking me when I ever got to write for myself, and whether or not I thought I had yet found my true writer’s voice. Given my advancing age, I asked, “If I haven’t found my voice yet, when am I going to?” He chuckled and said nothing in response.
I’m still working at finding my voice.
In my prior career as an executive, I was fortunate enough to enjoy wonderful mentorship from a number of great leaders. They taught me much about how to manage situations, how to turn every negative I experienced into a super-positive outcome, and how to find the best in people and help them bring it out and use it. I suspect that’s what many people look to mentors for. How to do a better job of doing what they do. How to create and experience greater value in their life. How to improve their relationships with those around them.
My mentor had started by teaching me to think. Then he cultivated critical thinking in me by discussing things that, at first, seemed beyond me. As we talked, I found myself amazed at my own capacity to analyze and synthesize. A truly effective mentor, he had seen these long before I ever did.
Prior to him, I don’t think I had ever let anyone into my thoughts. Not really. Not beyond the superficial. I’ve come to believe I spent my entire youth up until that point ‘living inside my own head.’ This mentor had reached into that ‘inner sanctum’ and pulled me out to confront the world. Make me think. Make me think harder. Make me think better. He became my mentor, my greatest challenger, my greatest encouragement, and my greatest friend.
What Do You Want in Your Mentor?
The answer to this what-do-you-want question, like so many, depends completely upon you, your ambitions, your desires, your drive, and so much more.
Do you want someone who will instruct you? That’s probably not a mentor, but a teacher.
Do you want someone who will coach you? Many coaches work from a specific methodology that may not provide what you most need. Some coaches coach the whole person, similar to the best managers who manage the whole person and not just their job.
Do you want someone who will challenge you to improve? It will need to be someone who is unafraid of you and is willing to take risks with you. A great mentor often brings you to the edge to see if you can hold on or slip over the side. They know just how far they can push you, and then push you farther anyway.
Where Will You Find Your Mentor?
I have no clue.
Seriously, I know people who’ve found their mentor in school as I did, and others who found their mentor in a coach who inspired them to excel in a particular sport. Still others found their mentors in a manager who challenged them to deserve promotion that helped them rise through their career. You might find your mentor while attending a party. You may find one of your parents becomes your mentor as you reach adulthood. I even know some people who married their mentor.
Accepting a mentor requires a certain degree of humility without which you will unknowingly suffer throughout your life for lack of mentorship. And that is probably the last clue to finding yourself a mentor. If you can feel comfortable with the encouraging humility you will experience in the presence of a mentor, then that person is very likely to be an excellent mentor for you.
Final Thought: I consider myself to have been blessed in my life with a few great mentors along the way. At times I thought someone I knew would be a great mentor, but was disappointed after a while. That can happen. I also feel blessed to have had one lifelong mentor, but want to emphasize that this is not necessary. Some mentors will enter and later exit your life, and that’s just fine. As long as you grow and come to appreciate your life while you’re with them
Spot on.