“Let’s go out to dinner!”
Alarms immediately go off in your head because you know what question is coming next: “What do you want to have for dinner?”
I don’t know about you, but in my family this always lead to several rounds of suggestions and refusals, often followed by someone getting upset either about the confusion, or the eventual decision.
Things
Material things are important to most people.
For some, those material things may be simple. A comfortable chair. A sturdy desk. Good sneakers. A reliable car.
For others, not so simple. Expensive jewelry. A smokin’ hot car. Air Jordans. A big house in an exclusive neighborhood.
Just about everyone exists somewhere between these two categories. Some, sadly, live far below our description of simple things one may want to have. Often, they cannot afford enough food, medicine, adequate shelter. Decent treatment.
The brilliant Austrian psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl, gave us the most extreme description of what it was like to live with next to nothing, along with the most horrible treatment imaginable, in his masterful book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” in which he describes his years spent imprisoned in Nazi concentration camps.
He describes how the Nazis deprived him of his freedom, his health, his dignity, his belongings, his work, ultimately his family. They took everything, yet at the end Frankl maintains, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Finally, he reminds us, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”
Beyond Things
Frankl’s concerns go well beyond just things to talk about the relationship we have with things. We often use words like “need” so casually, without considering what is really needed as opposed to that which is wanted. More and more some have seemed to have lost the definition of excess, ever striving to have more and more, even at the expense of others.
One of the things many have lost, one that I would most like to see recovered, is the sense of grace. The importance of treating each other kindly, and considerately. The struggle to always be acquiring more and more has left us callous to other people. Almost unfeeling. Random acts of kindness seem to be fewer and fewer, until the few we notice seem extraordinary. They just shouldn’t be so.
Compassion
Compassion can be described as an urgent desire to aid others, or to spare them pain.
In daily discourse, compassion is practiced in the consideration we show to others in the way we address them, the ways we interact with them. It’s said that its more blessed to give than to receive, and some among us truly feel better about giving to someone than receiving from them. They feel they’ve done a good thing, and they have. Sometimes I find myself thanking people for giving me the opportunity to help them, to serve them. They are sometimes surprised, but I’m always in earnest. It feels good to do for others.
Yet we see so many examples to the contrary when we watch the news. People who are so driven by their desire to keep their power and position that they forget their original purpose, and forget the needs of those they’re supposed to serve. In a world where everyone felt the inner need to be compassionate to those around them, there would be no war, no conflict. But that seems to be impossible to hope for.
The only way I know to strive for the return of compassion to our lives is to practice it ourselves in everything we do and everyone we encounter. Few of us have suffered as thoroughly as Viktor Frankl. But many of us suffer the lack or the loss of things and people we find valuable. Remembering our own pain can inspire us to realize that everyone else has their own pain as well.
What I Want to Have
Some readers have asked me what I want. This seems like a good place to address that question. What do I want to have?
From the perspective of this publication, and any of my publications, I want readers. More than that, I want involved readers who want to engage with me in discussing the things I talk about. All we have is each other, so I really want to have as much opportunity as I can to speak with others, work with others, learn from others and teach what I have learned to others.
Beyond that I want to find and promote peace. I know in the deepest recesses of my heart that it is possible for people to get along with each other better, to end the awful division that has gripped our nation and the world. It can only lead to disaster if we allow it to continue.
What I Want to Have Most
I’m very big on perspective and seeing what some like to call “the big picture.” Yes, I’m concerned about war and conflict, and I worry about the economy and the suffering so many people have to endure. I’ve had my own periods of suffering and worked hard to rise above them.
But from the largest possible perspective, what I want to have most is a healthy, livable world for my grandsons Franklin and Mason to grow up and live in.
In a very real way, they are the way in which I will continue into the future beyond the time of my own death. Their lives are most precious to me, and I’m gripped by the reality that the condition of our world is decaying. The noxious elements we belch into the atmosphere daily are changing how the world works, disabling it. We see fires, floods, and extreme storms both hot and cold, everywhere around the world. The only way to stop it and save our world is for people to band together and do whatever must be done. But how do we pull all those people together? That’s the question I’d most like to have the answer to.
If the world is indeed overrun by the extremes caused by the growing climate crisis, then the rest of the things we worry about having or not having stop mattering completely.
Appreciating What We Do Have
Famed American psychologist Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs provides a wonderful model for us to take inventory of that which we have and that which we still want to have. Shelter, sustenance, the feeling of belonging, and more are large categories into which many of our needs and wants fit.
We have friends, but do we have the relationships we want with each of our friends? Do we have the courage to work to improve those relationships where we feel necessary?
We have money, but do we have enough money to keep our lives comfortable? Do we perceive a need to have even more money than that? Do we understand why? Do we perceive the effort required to obtain that much money? Have we figured out if that’s worth it?
We have health, but is it robust enough health, or do we need to pay more attention to our health and do more to improve it so we don’t suffer with the eventual loss of it and everything that goes with that.
We have things like homes and cars and more. But do we chase things that are bigger, better, fancier, more popular with recognized brands because we want the status that comes with them? Do we really need designer everything, or could those funds be better applied to making us happier for what we do?
We have power, but does that power come from within us, or is it accorded to us externally by others? What do they want in return for granting us such power? What will that power ultimately cost? And do we use our power productively? The most powerful people I have ever met get their power from within themselves, the grace and compassion they show to others, and the great good works they do for complete strangers. Real power comes only from within you.
Thoughts on What We Want to Have from Someone Who Had Nothing
I close with a thought from heroic Viktor Frankl, who created a school of psychology called “logotherapy” which has its roots in the Greek word “logos” which means “meaning.”
Speaking of logotherapy, Frankl observed something that connects his thinking to that of Abraham Maslow.
Frankl held that, “our primary drive in life is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful.”
You must have been reading my mind, Howard. I've been laying awake at night wondering how we humans can come together. I believe that, at our core, we are not so very different. We all want meaning in our lives and most of us want to feel appreciated and respected.
I write about the 3 key elements of kindness....kindness in thought, communication, and action, exploring the scientific benefits of making kindness a daily habit. As I've gotten farther and farther down the rabbit hole 🐇, I keep wondering how we can cultivate a culture of kindness that allows us to engage, disagree, and collaborate.
Negativity, rude behavior, and just being downright mean spirited are front and center. It's scientifically proven that humans have a negativity bias (and media knows and uses that fact to their advantage). However, it's not insurmountable and the benefits of positive and civil behavior far outweigh the negative.
I'm trying to do my little bit, each week, by writing about the benefits of kindness and how to implement kindness as a life strategy. It's not enough.
So, I know what I want to have. I'm just fumbling around with how to get there! There doesn't seem to be a google map for that.
Do you have some directions?