What Do You Want… to Say?

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.” - Max Ehrmann's Desiderata (1927)

Blurt.

That may be one of the worst things one could possibly do. Instantly after blurting you become gripped in the awful realization that you’ve just blurted, and you immediately regret your blurting.

It hurts to blurt.

I’m Not Really Making Fun of Blurters

The fact is that, unless we’ve severely trained ourselves not to do so we all blurt from time to time. You’re standing there minding your own business, someone says something, and you suddenly blurt out your response. Your immediate response. Not thought out. Not carefully considered. Just what came into your head hit the fast lane to your mouth and you blurted it out.

While anything blurted may likely contain the germ of truth, it is often colored or even obscured by our emotional responses. We probably meant what we blurted at some level, but instantly realize there were better, more effective, more sanguine ways of saying it. We start looking for the nearest hole to crawl into.

Take some comfort in the realization that everybody blurts out things they regret from time to time. It’s very human to do so. When someone does it with great regularity, we often call refer to that person as “having no filters.” In cases like these, they may not show any signs of regret at all. That’s simply because they don’t feel any. How fortunate for them. How annoying for everyone else.

Saying What You Really Want to Say… Without Blurting

Let’s start with the original question that’s the title of this post. “What Do You Want to Say?”

When you think about it, that’s not the real question here. Even blurters are saying what they really want to say, they’re just not saying it very effectively. They’re basically saying the way it comes out of their head unvarnished, unpolished, unthoughtabout…

And let’s be real about it. More likely than not, it’s going to pretty closely align with what you meant, only colored by your emotions which can very easily screw up the entire message.

So how do you really say what you want to say in a way that will accurately convey your meaning and your intent and perhaps even elicit the response you desire?

Before You Say… Ask!

It will take some time and practice, but when you feel blurtation coming on, stop yourself and ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to help?”

Who? Who is it going to help? You, certainly. The person you’re saying it too definitely. Others, perhaps. But if its not going to help anyone why say it? And if we’re being honest, the answer to why say it will often be because it will get it off your chest. It will show the person you’re talking to. It will teach them a lesson. You will get even with them by saying it.

Yeah, no. None of that is going to happen, beyond perhaps getting it off your chest. But that will be replaced with the anger with yourself that you just said something stupid, that you wish you had not said.

But if you stop yourself and ask if it will help anyone or anything and give yourself time to answer yourself, you may suddenly find your brain quickly supplying a much better, much more effective way to say what you really mean to say. When you’ve stopped yourself a few times you’ll suddenly realize that you’re actually quite good at coming up with better, more effective ways to say things. Ways that will enlist your listener to agree with you or comply with your request. Ways that will make them feel better than you. And let’s remember what Maya Angelou taught us, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel!

Learning to Not Leave Things Unsaid

There are probably many things you’d very much like to say to certain people in your life that you really can’t imagine yourself ever saying. But putting it in the context of Dr. Angelou's wise words, start thinking about how you’d like those people to feel.

Start with someone you really appreciate. You appreciate their friendship, the way they support you. You appreciate the kind actions you’ve seen them take, and the kind words you’ve heard them share with people. You think of them as a really, really good person.

When was the last time you told them so?

We often find it just as hard to say the good things as the bad. While you will often hesitate to tell someone when they made you feel bad or did something you didn’t like, perhaps because you’ll sound too judgmental, you also resist telling them how much you appreciate their good words and actions.

Why?

Take some time to really think about the answer to that question why. You don’t want to embarrass them? Perhaps hearing praise more often would help them lose that wasted sense of embarrassment. They deserve to feel good about doing good. Help them get past that embarrassment.

You feel concerned they’ll misread your intentions? That’s really on them. The moment you sense their suspicion, quell it by telling them you feel they deserve to know that the good they do is recognized. You will be amazed at the power of simple honesty.

But then there are the things left unsaid. More often than not, they’re left unsaid for the reasons we just discussed. But when it’s too late, those reasons evaporate and you realize how unfortunate it is that you never said them.

We’ve often talked here about the Buddhist concept of embracing impermanence. Nothing lasts forever, including us. There will be a time when it becomes too late to say something to someone because they’re no longer here. That’s just the reality of things. Accept it. Embrace it. Don’t allow it to deny you the opportunity to say what needs saying.

If you love someone, tell them. If you despise someone, exclude them from your life and avoid having to ever say anything to them. Never tolerate toxic people. Not worth the time, energy, or effort. If someone does well, commend them. If they benefit you, thank them. If you admire anything they said or did, speak your admiration

Recovering from the Loss of Grace

You will encounter people who have no problem saying things they feel need to be said. You may admire some of what they say. You may find yourself offended by some of it. If it impacts you in any way you will find yourself thinking through why they said what they said and that’s a valuable process.

There was a time when more people felt it was important to treat each other well. To take care of each other. To strive for the benefit of each other. Some refer to that as “grace.” Being gracious, graceful, full of grace. It was a pleasant time, an encouraging time, and it need not be lost.

Lead with your example. Deliberately work to assure that the good people in your life feel good about themselves as you feel good about them. Give yourself that moment to think about how to say what you want to say so you assure yourself of your message being received with fidelity to your original intention.

I have always found comfort in Max Ehrmann’s words from 1927 in the Desiderata, in which he said, “Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

Think about what you want to say, and how you want to say it, then say it. By all means, say it.